


A Little Empathy

by LetoaSai



Series: Pen Pals [2]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anxiety Attacks, Genderfluid Character, Genderfluid Cloud, M/M, Making Friends, Miscommunication, Obsessive Behavior, Pansexual Character, Pansexual Squall, Roommates, Soulmates, Texting, soft fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-08
Updated: 2019-03-08
Packaged: 2019-11-13 23:47:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18041399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LetoaSai/pseuds/LetoaSai
Summary: Cloud and Squall have been living together for only a few days and Cloud is eager to prove himself a worthwhile installment. If only his anxiety and insecurities would get out of the way long enough for him to realize Squall was hopelessly in love with him.





	A Little Empathy

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts or any Final Fantasy

The first time Cloud woke, his brain stayed foggy and his eyes refused to open. There was a weightlessness to his limbs he didn’t quite understand but somewhere in the back of his mind he was aware of his legs dangling. 

“Mm?” 

“Shh,” The breath that drifted across his cheek made him shiver and bury himself into the nearest warmth. 

There was movement, some kind of shifting he ignored in favor of clinging to sleep. Everything changed again and there was a softness all around him. It felt good, his own personal cocoon. 

“Stay here and sleep,” a voice whispered. “I’m headed to school.” 

“Mm…” He was surrounded by more soft warmth and fell back into the darkness that was his dreams. That little place that had always embraced him without question. 

It was hours later when he stretched awake with a yawn. He was so comfortable and moving was the last thing he wanted to do. Real rest wasn’t always easy to come by and laying out like this was really helping the kink in his back. The fact that he could smell Squall on his pillow only helped to lull him into a-

Cloud jerked and sat up, looking around the room in a daze. There was one brief moment where he had no idea where he was, but adrenaline had cleared his thoughts rapidly. He was in Squall’s bedroom, in his bed no less. He’d been certain he’d fallen asleep on the couch some time around three in the morning and didn’t recall being moved. 

It was Monday though and… Cloud paused to check the time, his phone left for him on the bedside table. Yes, Squall would be in school now. 

He’d only been in Radiant Garden a single weekend and it had been the best weekend of his life. He’d been so certain he was going to be homeless and living out of a hostel when Squall had suggested he’d come live with him. 

Squall had always been that way, so full of suggestions and solutions. He had been the one bright spot in Cloud’s otherwise dreary life. He’d never been so grateful for a silly school project in all his life but connecting with Squall had changed his fate. 

They hadn’t really done anything over the weekend but talk and watch movies and cuddle. He’d been beyond thrilled that Squall had been open to the contact. Cloud was certain he knew Squall better then himself most days and Squall wasn’t a fan of casual touch. He didn’t have acquaintances, only people he trusted explicitly. 

Cloud didn’t have friends at all. Squall had been it for him since he’d been forced to quit regular school. Now they were living together and he would not ruin this. He would be the perfect roommate and make sure Squall stayed happy with him. Squall promised he never had to worry about being homeless again but there was no sense making him change his mind. 

 

Fenrir (11:22 a.m.): How did i get in your bed? 

 

He never knew what to expect when Squall was in school. His memories of school weren’t great but he was sure he wouldn’t have been able to pull his phone out. Squall never seemed to have that issue. 

 

Griever (11:24 a.m.): I moved you. I’m sorry about the couch, we’ll get you an air mattress or something.

 

Fenrir (11:24 a.m.): It’s perfectly okay

 

Griever (11:27 a.m.): Absolutely not. It’s fine for sitting, less so for sleeping. I put you in my bed because there was no reason you shouldn’t be using it. Especially when i’m not home. 

 

Especially. Cloud felt his face heat up and that familiar thump to his heart increase. Squall really was the sweetest in his own brash way. They’d been together for years, pouring their hearts out to each other and telling the other how much they loved them. 

It had always been real for Cloud, a fantasy that had jumped out of the pages of his books to become his life. He wanted Squall’s constant attention and hardly knew what to do with the fact that Squall gave it to him. He wanted to cling and kiss but was terrified of becoming annoying. What would he do if Squall decided he didn’t want him anymore. What if Cloud was reading the whole situation wrong? What if- 

 

Griever (11:31 a.m.): Please tell me you didn’t move back to the couch

 

Fenrir (11:31 a.m.): I didn’t

 

Griever (11:33 a.m.): Good. Make yourself at home.

 

Make yourself at home… It was like Squall always knew exactly what to say. He’d been Cloud’s home long before this weekend. 

 

Griever (11:36 a.m.): I’m serious. That couch sucks. Be comfortable. 

 

Fenrir (11:37 a.m.): I hear you, lion. Stop growling.

 

Griever (11:40 a.m.): Not growling

 

Fenrir (11:41 a.m.): Well now you’re pouting

 

Cloud laughed softly, able to see Squall’s face so clearly. They’d only been together in person for just over two days and already he missed Squall beside him. With a sigh he finally pulled himself out of bed and ran his fingers through his hair. Short hair, short hair felt nice today. He stretched until his back cracked and wandered into the bathroom. 

Felt like a male day. He didn’t know how it worked for other people like him, hell, he barely knew how it worked for him some days. It was like he decided without actively thinking which gender he would be. Pissing standing up was a probably good indication today. 

He knew that a lot of people like him tended to identify with a spectrum of genders but he still wasn’t sure where he laid on that line personally. He couldn't even decide on his pronouns. They were so important to some people and he respected that but he didn't care much. He/him on his male days and she/her on his female days suited him fine. Still, there was no telling how he might feel about that later. It was ever changing and he’d finally gotten to the point where he was what he was and tried not to let it bother him. He loved himself just fine, it was other people judging him publicly that scared him.

He showered and got dressed into a clean pair of pajamas. It wasn’t like he was going anywhere and he didn’t have to hide in his room from Hojo. He made himself something to eat and it was afternoon by the time he cracked his laptop open to work on his studying. Being able to work anytime he wanted was a perk to being home schooled. All of his assignments were online and he was able to reach them and work on them anywhere. 

If he kept at it, he would possibly finish sooner and therefore graduate a few weeks early. 

 

Griever (2:12 p.m.): This is the day that will never end

 

Fenrir (2:15 p.m.): Poor thing. What’s making the day drag? 

 

Griever (2:16 p.m.): I’m here and you’re there 

 

Fenrir (2:17 p.m.): And i’ll be here when you get home. I’ll make dinner? 

 

Griever (2:19 p.m.): I might love you

 

Fenrir (2:20 p.m.): Easy, i have a boyfriend

 

Griever (2:21 p.m.): Lucky guy

 

Fenrir (2:22 p.m.): I love you too. I might hit a corner store in case i’m not home when you get back. 

 

Griever (2:22 p.m.): K

~

When Cloud slipped inside he was positive Squall was home. His shoes had been kicked off and his backpack was hanging off a chair. 

“Hey, how was your very long day?” He called, walking to the corner where he’d been keeping his bags. He tucked away the few new toiletries he’d bought and was relieved he didn’t have hide why he’d been out. A new nail polish and eye shadow to add to his small collection filled him with a ridiculous warmth. Squall had given him so much already. 

“The longest ever,” Squall said as he appeared bare chested in the doorway, pulling a shirt on over his head. “Better now.” 

Cloud swallowed, eyes drifting up and down Squall’s body before turning away quickly. “Better?” 

“Yeah,” Squall mused, “Nice having someone to come home to.” He inched closer, head tilted just slightly and it filled Cloud’s stomach with butterflies. 

Could he kiss him? He was still getting used to Squall being right in front of him. Still getting used to their relationship being more than just words. Was it allowed? 

Cloud turned his head just enough to throw Squall off as he leaned forward. They bumped awkwardly, lips missing completely before Squall reached up to gently cup Cloud’s face. 

“Really like you being here,” Squall whispered, almost shy. He tilted Cloud’s head back enough to press a proper kiss to his mouth. 

The contact was gentle and Squall gave him every opportunity to pull away. Instead, Cloud felt like he could have cried. Every time Squall said he wanted him he was so overwhelmed. 

The kisses were still new and imperfect and all the better for it. “I love you so much,” Cloud mumbled, clinging to the front of Squall’s shirt. “I really don’t want this feeling to ever go away.” 

“If what you’re feeling is the same as me, we’ve had it for years. Not a bad track record so far.” Squall said, “How was your day?” 

“Quiet and peaceful.” Cloud said, all the more pleased when Squall didn’t push him away and he was able to curl up against his chest. “Didn’t have to be afraid of who would come home and if i should be here or not.” 

“Good,” Squall said, his hands on Cloud’s hips. “It’s safe here.”

“I know that, it’ll just take me a while to really believe it.” Cloud mumbled, sighing against Squall’s neck. Anxiety would probably always have it’s clutches in him, but he was working on it. 

“Can i see what you got?” Squall asked with a small smile. 

Cloud went pink and shrugged. “You want to see what makeup i bought?” 

“Sure. It made you happy.” 

Cloud nodded once, silently wondering why the interest made him so happy. He pulled away and sat on the floor besides the rest of his luggage and pulled his backpack closer to pull out the few items he’d just put away. 

“I really need to find a place for your stuff,” Squall muttered. “I want this to feel like your home, not just a place you're crashing for a while. There’s space in my room if you want.” 

Cloud felt his heart kick up a notch but he distracted himself by admiring the color of nail polish he’d just gotten. “It’s your room though.”

“This is our apartment now. You belong in here. I’ll move some stuff around, maybe get a second dresser. I don’t want you living out of your duffel.” 

“It’s so much trouble to go through. It’ll be a bother.” 

“It won’t,” Squall crouched down beside Cloud and took his hand. “It is not a bother. We’ll find a dresser at a thrift shop or something.” 

Every time Squall spoke about this arrangement as if it really were permanent, Cloud got a little more flustered, his hopes rising just a bit more. They hadn’t talked about what Cloud could pay in rent or what they would be doing after both graduated high school. Things would change rapidly soon, and Squall still made it sound like they could be together forever. 

Cloud laced their fingers together, “It would be nice to be able to see all of my stuff at once. If that’s okay.” 

“It’s more than okay,” Squall promised, bringing Cloud’s hand to his mouth to kiss his fingers. “We’ll work on it this weekend.” He took the nail polish with his freehand, “This is a pretty color.” 

Cloud cleared his throat, and knew hiding his blush was a lost cause. The nail polish was a silver color and a far cry from the darker colors he usually wore. “Reminded me of you,” he muttered. 

Squall hummed in thought. “Maybe i’ll wear it too.”

“You want to?” Cloud blinked. “Really?” 

“It’s just nail polish, sure.” Squall shrugged. “Wanna do them for me?” 

Cloud laughed and nodded. “Yes. I’ve had some practice.” 

“Good,” Squall held his hand out with a grin. “Anything that gets you smiling.” 

~

Cloud stared at her reflection but all she saw was a boy in a wig. She’d felt so good about her makeup choices that morning but the thought of leaving the apartment left her terrified and feeling self conscious. 

 

Fenrir (10:20 a.m.): I’m ugly

 

Griever (10:24 a.m.): I don’t believe you’ve ever been ugly a day in your life

 

Fenrir (10:25 a.m.): people will stare at me

 

Griever (10:27 a.m.): Because you are beautiful 

 

Fenrir (10:28 a.m.): Squall i’m serious

 

Griever (10:31 a.m.): So am i. If you’re really bothered and don’t feel safe going out today, don’t. We’ll work up to going out on your female days. We can go together. 

 

Fenrir (10:32 a.m.): But i promised i’d get everything

 

Griever (10:35 a.m.): Yesterday, before you’d knew how you’d feel today. 

 

Fenrir (10:36 a.m.): I’m pathetic

 

Griever (10:37 a.m.): You’re not. You’re nervous and your anxiety is making it worse. Do not feel bad because you can’t predict your days. Send me a picture, can i see?” 

 

Cloud winced, but she’d bothered Squall with her insecure whining already. The least she could do was send him a picture. If she couldn’t keeping her promises and do the simplest of tasks, Squall would have no reason to want her around. It was just grocery shopping.

She walked into the bedroom and took a pictures of herself using the long mirror on the back of the door. She looked...stupid. A boy in a wig and a skirt. The knee high boots usually made her happy but today they just weren’t working their magic. She sent the picture with a sinking feeling rolling around her stomach. 

She almost never went out as a woman. It always made her feel like she was being stared at, being judged from a distance like everyone knew. It felt like everyone was whispering behind her back and she just plain didn’t feel safe. 

 

Griever (10:45 a.m.): Wolf, what the fuck are you talking about? You’re stunning

 

Cloud swallowed roughly, feeling that heat in her face flare. Squall wouldn’t tell her that if he didn’t believe it was true. That didn’t mean Squall actually knew a damn thing about hair and makeup or if Cloud made a convincing woman, but it did mean that Squall loved her and that meant the world. 

 

Fenrir (10:46 a.m.): Really? 

 

Griever (10:46 a.m.): Really. You do what makes you comfortable.

 

Inhaling slowly, Cloud headed for the living room and grabbed her wallet, and new key. She’d been to the corner store twice already as a man, she could handle it as a woman. She only had to pick up a few things to last them until the weekend and she would not fall apart. She would not. 

 

~

It had been hard for Squall to estimate how much two people could eat, and considering they liked spending time at home, they’d gone through more food than planned. Saturday they would probably drive to the actual grocery store to do some real shopping, but the corner store would grant Cloud the bread and other small items they needed. 

It was also easier to get to since she didn’t have a car and Squall had taken his to school with him. Three blocks wasn’t far to travel and she was used to the trip already after only a few days. She kept her gaze straight ahead, focused on her goal and avoiding eye contact with others at the same time. She didn’t want to be rude, but she didn’t want to be pulled into other nonsense either. Growing up both in and out of Midgar had granted her the ability to take care of herself, but this was a nice neighborhood and the need to disarm someone was probably minimal. She didn’t want to cause a scene and she didn’t want to cause trouble for Squall. All she had to do was squash down her anxiety. With this trip she’d feel more brave the next time and the battle would continue. 

Making it inside had her sighing in relief. The enclosed space offered at least a little protection. There were still people around but it was a start. She grabbed a basket and found what she needed. Bread, eggs, milk, cereal… Cooking and eating together in their small kitchen was oddly fun, but that could easily be because Squall was the first person she enjoyed being close to.

“Oh excuse me!” 

Cloud nearly winced when a woman accidentally bumped into her, but the actual speaking to her nearly switched on her fight or flight reflexes. 

“I was so intent on the shelves i didn’t see you, pardon me.” 

“‘So kay,” She mumbled, inching back a step. 

The woman took a step closer and tilted her head to try and get a better look at her face. “Are you alright? You seem troubled.” 

Cloud shook her head quickly and looked down the aisle, wondering if it would be rude to just walk away. Being rude wasn’t terribly hard for her but this woman hadn’t actually done anything wrong to her. Just dashing off was probably uncalled for. 

“My name is Aerith,” She introduced herself calmly and Cloud finally chanced a better glance at her. She had a soft smile and softer eyes and was dressed mostly in pink. She was pretty, the kind of pretty Cloud wished she could be but wouldn’t manage. “Are you new around here? I’m sorry for being nosy. I frequent this area quite a bit and haven’t seen you before.” 

Cloud nodded, not very good with words. Midgar had taught her to be wary of strangers and her sense for danger was top notch, still she wasn’t getting any sense of danger from this woman. 

“May i ask your name?” She asked gently, “It’s okay if you don't want to tell me.” 

She thought it over and finally shrugged, feeling stiff. “Cloud.” she responded, voice oddly thick.

Aerith smiled and nodded. “It’s very nice to meet you Cloud. I know this is sudden and perhaps a bit out of the blue, but would you like to get a cup of tea with me? I think it might help you feel better.” 

“Feel…?” She muttered, wondering what that was supposed to mean but she suddenly noticed that she was very nearly trembling where she stood. Her feet were glued down and drawing a proper breath was taking effort. 

When that realization struck, breathing became that much harder. 

“May i touch you?” Aerith asked, setting her own basket down that only had an item or two inside. 

Cloud didn’t say anything. She didn’t particularly want to be touched but she didn’t want to have an anxiety attack in public either. Gaia, she was having an anxiety attack. There was a moment where she was sure her throat was clogged and she had to gasp to take in more air. Symptoms followed in a swell of heat, sweat and dizziness. 

“Aerith, what’s wrong?” 

Fuck, fuck. More people. 

“Shh,” Aerith hushed, taking Cloud’s basket from her fingers and passing it along. “Cloud, would you like to go outside?” 

Fuck. Was outside better or worse? Outside meant more people. People looking at her but was it better than inside? Inside had been okay only a little while earlier. Had someone bumping into her really triggered her so suddenly? 

“I…” 

“There’s a very quiet little tea shop just across the street. Why don’t we go?” Aerith said, her voice serene. “Try to take a deep breath.” 

Cloud did and it came out shaky. Could there be something more embarrassing than this? Well, she could have thrown up. Gaia, what if she threw up? She felt the tears start to swell in her eyes but she tried a second time to fix her breathing. It felt like an eternity standing there but the kind woman in pink didn’t move. 

“Can i take your hand?” 

Cloud nodded, the motion jerky wishing there wasn’t that awful knot in her stomach. Aerith took her hand and her grasp was warm. 

“When you’re ready, we’ll leave. We’ll walk right across the store and leave. We can go across the street.” Aerith explained clearly, giving her something to focus on. “It’s just you and me right now. No one is paying us any attention.” 

Cloud didn’t look up, didn’t look around. She didn’t know if she was telling her the truth or not but fuck if she wasn’t willing to take the lie. She took a shaky step and bit by bit Aerith walked her down the aisle and out of the store. So much for buying things, but at least he hadn’t sprawled out on the floor. 

She watched her feet as they walked and continued to inhale slowly while they made their way outside. If she could relax her breathing that would help, but the second she realized she was lightheaded and her heart was pounding she faltered. Why? Why did this always have to happen? 

She noted the faint chime of a door opening and the ground changed from concrete to tile. The lighting was a bit more dim than the store or outside had been. Soon after, Aerith was helping her sit at a corner table with her back to a wall and a small screen largely blocking them from view. 

“There now,” Aerith said calmly. “Just breath, you’re doing marvelously. Do you like tea?” 

Cloud nodded. 

“Black tea?” 

She nodded again. 

“I will get you some. Is there a person you could call? Someone’s voice that might help you relax?” 

Cloud nodded but then shook her head. “School.” 

“I see, that’s okay. You relax and i’ll get you something warm to drink. This will pass, i promise.” Cloud wasn’t sure if she’d left the table or not, unable to make herself look up but she did grab her phone, feeling worthless. 

 

Fenrir (1:16 p.m.): Panic

 

When had it gotten so late? Just how long had she been standing in the store freaking out like an idiot. She took another deep breath and shook the thoughts away, needing to physically thrash her head back and forth for a moment to make the thoughts stop. Negative thoughts would make this worse. Would make it last even longer. 

It wasn’t the most time she’d ever lost while panicking anyway. Would Squall be disappointed? She shouldn’t have texted him… 

She jumped when a tea cup was placed in front of her and another across from her and Aerith took a seat. 

“There now. When you’re ready that tea will be waiting for you and i promise it’s very good.” Cloud nodded again, voice nowhere to be found just yet. Speaking felt like it would make things worse. Drinking the tea would probably be the same. That’s just what she needed for her body to revolt. 

She only just barely kept herself from shrieking when her phone rang and Squall’s name appeared. Did she answer? She always called Squall when things for like this but he was at school, it wasn’t like he could really talk now. They were in the same city now too...Did that make a difference? 

“Cloud?” Aerith said quietly. “Would you like me to get it?” 

Cloud shook her head and answered, unable to do more than look at the table and hold her phone to her ear. 

“Are you okay?”

“Mm mm.” 

“I’m right here.” Squall said gently, tones low and coaxing. “I’m right here and you’re going to be fine. Are you at home?” 

“Mm mm.” 

“Okay, that’s fine.” He continued. “Are you hurt?” 

“Mm mm.” 

“Good. Can you tell me if you’re someplace safe?” 

Cloud swallowed past the lump in her throat and nodded. “Mhm.” 

“Better,” he breathed his own sigh of relief. “What can i do to help you? Do you want me to keep talking?” 

“Mhm.” 

“Well, that’s easy enough. You saved me from trig and i’m not the least bit unhappy about that. Told my teacher i wasn’t feeling well and left. What could he do right? I am now very slowly strolling my way to the nurses office but i might get lost in the process.” 

Cloud’s lips twitched into a smile. It felt like something so simple took a lot of energy but how could she not react to Squall really babbling just to make her feel better. She could even hear him greeting someone in the hallway as if skipping class was normal for him. 

“I’m here for you, wolf. Always. If you need me to talk then that’s what i’ll do. Even if i suck with words. You went out, you went to the corner store?” 

“Mhm.” 

“So proud of you for doing that. I know you were uncomfortable this morning. I know it was hard.” Squall said, speaking quietly. “I’m always torn between trying to encourage you to push your limits and always making sure you’re in you’re comfort zone. It’s a hard line to cross but you did this completely by yourself. Just like getting on the train to Radiant Garden.” He paused a beat. “I’d wondered if that had been hard on you too. You’re amazing Cloud.” 

Tears finally fell but those knots loosened just a little. She was able to exhale shakily and and finally feel as if some of the panic was fading. The symptoms were still there and ready to swirl back but Squall’s voice was deep and distracting. 

“Are you still in the store?” 

“Mm mm,” he managed, glancing up shyly at Aerith who sat patiently. She watched her phone conversation as normally as if she’d done it hundreds of times before. 

“Okay, lets see if i can figure out where you are.” Squall said reasonable. “Outside?” 

“Mm mm.” 

“Inside one of the shops around it?” 

“Mhm.” 

“Fuck, i’m good.” 

Cloud breathed out hard, the exhale mixing with a bit of laughter. “I’m…” She tried, but still felt like her voice was caught in her throat. Like if she tried to speak she’d throw up. With trembling fingers she reached up to wipe at her eyes and hoped her mascara wasn’t running. With nothing to lose she held her phone out towards Aerith. “Please…” 

Aerith took it without asking what Cloud wanted her to do and started immediately talking to Squall. 

“Everything is okay. We’re at The Chapel tea shop off main street. Yes.” Aerith continued. “She’s doing marvelously. This is not my first time seeing something like this and she’s handling it very well. Oh, Aerith, my name is Aerith.” 

Cloud went back to to her breathing. Inhaling through her nose and holding it a few seconds before exhaling through her mouth. More than once she’d gone on little rants about how it didn’t really help but she ran right back to it every time she needed it and soon she was breathing calmly on her own again. Her heart still thudded a little too fast but at least she wasn’t as dizzy anymore. 

“Here you are Cloud,” Aerith said and without even looking she reached out to take her phone back and held it to her ear in search of those soft tones again. 

“You there?” 

“Mhm.” 

“Are you okay with Aerith? I know sometimes people are either a huge help or they don’t realize how much they’re in the way.” 

“Fine,” Cloud mumbled, swallowing thickly. “I’m...almost there.” 

“Good,” Squall said, sounding a little better himself with the news. “Try to drink your tea and don’t worry about a thing, okay? Everything is okay.” 

Cloud nodded once. “Yes.” 

“That’s my wolf,” Squall said gently. “Aerith said you can sit with her as long as you like. Please do until you’re feeling better.” 

“Kay.” 

“Will you be okay if i hang up?” 

Cloud winced, and wanted to say no. Wanted to keep him on the phone for another few minutes or worse beg for him to come home, but she couldn’t do that. Squall was in school and that was important. She couldn’t be such a nuisance only days after arriving. Squall really would get sick of her that way. 

“Cloud?”

“I’m okay,” She managed. 

“Okay,” Squall said after a paused. “You text me if you need anything. Anything, okay?” 

“Yes.” 

“Good. Love you.” 

Cloud smiled weakly, selfishly wanting so much more than an ‘i love you’. 

“Same.” 

Squall chuckled quietly and hung up and Cloud had to get over a sudden wave of loneliness. It had always been that way. Squall had always been so near and dear to her, ever since they were kids exchanging letters but the past several days of being with him exclusively had spoiled her. 

“I can tell he loves you very much,” Aerith said, keeping her voice quiet as if knowing a louder volume would bother her. 

Cloud lifted her eyes to the other woman’s, “Really?” 

Aerith laughed brightly, “Oh yes. A man only worries like that when someone they love is involved. You two must be very close. That’s a nice thing to have.” 

“Yes,” Cloud mumbled. “Yes, he’s always been there. He’s...like that.” 

“I’m glad. We should all be so lucky to have that kind of person in our life.” Aerith said. “Do try the tea. I hope it makes you feel a little better.” 

She was seriously getting tired of people talking about the tea. She knew she needed something to drink but she wanted to be able to breathe first. Cloud took the cup anyway and sipped from it just to make this woman happy. It wasn’t hot anymore but it was still very good. Encouraged she tried a second then third sip. 

There was something nostalgic about tea. Some nearly faded memory about her mother drinking tea when she was little. Either way, it helped more than she expected. 

“Thank you,” Cloud muttered. “Thank you for this. I’m so sorry to bother you so.” 

“Please, don’t. I’m not bothered, not in the slightest. I’m just glad you’re feeling better and that i was there.” Aerith’s smile was kind and it was hard to imagine her in any other way. “Would it be rude of me to ask what triggered you?” 

Cloud shrugged, “I don’t know. Maybe i don’t remember. I didn’t realize i was...i was so bad until after you started speaking to me.” 

Aerith hummed a moment. “Maybe it was when i bumped into you? I am very sorry about that. You seemed to be holding yourself together so well that it took me a second to notice you were upset.” 

Cloud wasn’t used to people noticing. She certainly wasn’t used to people caring. 

“Sorry.” 

“No need to apologize. Really.” Aerith repeated. “You told me you were new here?” 

“Yes?” Cloud wasn’t sure she remembered saying that but it was true anyway. 

Aerith sipped from her own cup and nodded. “Well i own this little tea shop here. I’d love it if you stopped by from time to time to see me.” 

“Me?” 

“That’s right,” She said, “It’s nice to get to know new people. Are you enjoying Radiant Garden so far?” 

“Very much,” Cloud said without much thinking about it. She’d had the best few days she could remember in years. 

“Are you still in high school or are you in college?” Aerith asked. 

“High school. Home education program.” 

She brightened again. “That’s so fascinating. I have a friend who’s currently wondering if he should put it daughter in something similar. She’s have problems with bullies at school and he’s trying to figure out the best way to deal with the situation.” 

“Well,” Cloud started slowly. “I didn’t like it as a kid. I started around fifth grade and i hated it. I wanted to go to school like normal kids. It’s harder to make friends when you’re never around anyone your own age.” She thought about it more. “I loved it through high school. Felt safer. I have my own schedule. I finish a little early every year because of it.” 

Aerith tapped her fingers on the table and nodded. “I’ll tell him. Every child is different but being able to talk to someone in a similar program helps. First hand knowledge and all that.” 

Cloud agreed, and only then did she realize that talking wasn’t stressful. She’d been forming full sentences and everything. Being able to talk about little things was calming her down but Aerith probably knew that. 

“And you just moved so that probably didn’t bother your school work any, did it?” 

“No,” Cloud shook his head. “Was able to do my work on the train. Now here, easily.” 

“Can i ask what prompted your move? Though i can say Radiant Garden is a lovely place.” 

“It is,” Cloud said. “I came...to live with Squall.” She said finally. 

“That young man that loves you,” Aerith looked pleased for whatever reason. “That’s so very sweet.” 

Cloud felt small nips of embarrassment but it wasn’t like she was making fun of her. If anything, Aerith seemed more like a romantic. She probably meant it exactly the way it sounded. “Yes. Mutual.” 

“What do you do for fun?” She asked, continuing her stream of questions. “Tea and the like started off as a hobby for me but i’ve turned it into a business. I love flowers too and have gardens at home. Those end up around here as decorations too.” 

“I, um?” Cloud shrugged. “Write? Short stories and music. I used to make songs and things that companies would buy as samples to have in the background of TV shows and stuff. I haven’t done any of those in a while.” 

Not since Hojo smashed the guitar she’d gotten from a thrift shop. It had been a shame too, but she still got the occasional paycheck every time some of her work was used. 

“That’s incredible. I never realized that was a thing, but it sure makes sense.” Aerith muttered. 

Cloud smiled weakly. “Yeah, they don’t want to pay royalties for every little strip of music played.” 

It had been something she could do while alone and without leaving the house. Money Hojo didn’t know about was the best kind. 

“You strike me as a very interesting person, Cloud. So creative. I’m very happy to have met you. It’s always nice to make a new friend.” 

“Friend?” Cloud sounded more confused than anything. “I don’t really have any. Cept Squall.” 

“I’d be happy to consider us friends, when your ready,” Aerith said, glancing up when a third occupant appeared. 

Cloud looked up and actually gasped when Squall sat beside him. Fuck, she felt like crying all over again. 

“Hey,” Squall said, arms sliding around her. He squeezed her tight, reassuring them both and pressing a kiss to her head. 

Cloud could only shove closer, pressing her face to Squall’s shoulder and finally going limp. “What are you doing here? You were at school.” 

“Which is nowhere near as important as this.” Squall said. He must have already been in his car when they’d hung up. He never went to the nurse at all. 

“It is…” 

“Not today,” Squall disagreed, not pulling away even a little as he turned to the second woman. “You must be Aerith.” 

“And you must be Squall.” She smiled. “It’s nice to meet you.” 

Squall pressed a kiss to Cloud’s head again and gently smoothed her hair back. “Yes. Thank you for the help today.” 

“It was no trouble. I was just telling Cloud i hope she visits again. Both of you.” 

Cloud went pink, feeling better and a little more herself. She wasn’t even sure if she’d managed to relax that much on her own or if Squall just had that effect on her. Now that it was all over and done with, she felt silly. Fucking anxiety. “I’d like that…” 

Squall offered a smile in return. “I feel like i should give you my number. I’ve seen you around often enough to know this really is your shop.” 

“It’s nice to have a name to go along with your face as well.” Aerith laughed and pulled out her phone, all three of them swapping numbers. Cloud wasn’t quite sure what to do with a brand new number in his phone but it was nice to have. Maybe she could manage a new friend again. 

Feeling like they had all the time in the world, they sat and chatted. No one brought up Cloud’s anxiety attack for which she was grateful and no one scolded Squall for basically skipping the end of his school day. 

Aerith was only three years older than them and had gone to the same high school as Squall. It opened the door for several topics and at some point, even he was brought his own cup of tea. He generally favored coffee, but tea was okay too. 

It was well over an hour later when Cloud finally sighed. “I didn’t manage to finish shopping though. For all it was a task i gave myself to do, i sucked at it.” 

“You didn’t.” Squall said instead. “You left on your own, you got there on your own. Today was a hard day for you and you did it. One step at a time, Cloud.” 

“The journey but not the task.” Cloud shook her head. “Sorry.” 

“Don’t want your sorry.” Squall pecked his lips against hers. “As long as you’re feeling better, i’m good.” 

“You’re a touch in love, i’d say.” Aerith said again. 

Cloud hardly had time to enjoy Squall turning bright red before another woman approached the table. 

“You two are so freaking cute, i can’t stand it.” She said and set a bag down. “I hope you don’t mind. Aerith handed me both baskets so i just went ahead and got your things along with hers.” 

Cloud went wide eyed, embarrassed all over again. Her tunnel vision had been so severe that she didn’t even remember the second woman being present. “I am so sorry…” 

“Don’t you worry about it, hon. I’m Tifa. It’s nice to meet you both.” She offered them a grin that wasn’t gentle, but Cloud could definitely tell she meant it. “You should have seen me in high school. I had this depressed episodes all the time. Aerith’s good at showing up when someone needs them like some kind of angel. You’re not the first and won’t be the last. Hell, it will probably be my turn again next week.” 

“Oh Tifa,” Aerith laughed. “Thank you for getting everything.” 

“No trouble.” 

“It really turned into an eventful sort of afternoon.” Squall muttered. “Thank you both for the help.” 

Both woman waved off his comment with a smile. So much kindness was almost foreign to Cloud. Midgar was more about survival than anything else. No one had time to be kind. Even in the nicer areas like Nibelheim people could still be standoffish. Radiant Garden really shined. 

“I hope to see you two come back around here.” Tifa commented as she turned to head back to the front counter. “Love seeing new faces turn into regulars.” 

“Sure.” Squall said and that ‘sure’ could have easily been an agreement or disagreement. Only Cloud knew him well enough to hear that. 

“Let’s go home,” Cloud muttered. “I think i’m just plain worn out.” 

“Yeah, okay.” Squall said, standing first and offering her his hand to help her up. 

She grabbed her bag and turned to Aerith. “I really don’t know how to thank you.” 

“Think about considering me a friend and we’ll call it even.” Aerith offered and waved as they left the shop. 

Only a few feet away was Squall’s car and Cloud was hit all over again with the notion of Squall simply appearing. “I’m sorry.” 

“For what?” he asked. 

“This. I’m a mess. I ruin things.” 

“Hm,” Squall squeezed Cloud’s hand. “I love you. For years i haven’t never been able to help you when you needed it most. Believe me when i say i was happy to be here today. It isn’t ever going to be a problem to be there for you, Cloud.” 

“Every time though? Every time i can’t keep it together and freak out over nothing?” 

“Yes.” Squall shrugged, “But i believe that will get better with a little time and a little practice. You made a friend today, wolf. She looks like a good one.” 

Cloud shifted warily and wandered around to the passenger side of the car to get in. “I only just met her. I don’t know her. Not like you.” 

“Well yeah. I’m going to fight for my position as best friend.” Squall said, getting into the car himself. “It’s okay to not know everything about her yet. It’s new.” 

“Yeah, okay.” Cloud nodded, sighing heavily and smoothing her hands down her skirt. The motion made her freeze when the realization struck. “They didn’t notice. They didn’t notice i’m a guy?” 

“You’re a woman today.” 

“You know what i mean!” Cloud said, torn between frightened and excited as she smacked at his shoulder. “I didn’t get any boy in a dress comments. She thought i was a girl!” 

Squall laughed softly, eyes fond. “Sure did wolf, i told you you were stunning.” 

Cloud smiled, her first genuinely happy smile of the day. Total strangers saw her and made her believe she looked how she felt. 

~

Cloud’s perspectives could change every bit as much as his gender identity. Fuck, why did he always end up so emotional on his girl days. It was too stupidly cliche. He didn’t have to be weepy as a girl. Shit, he’d only seen Tifa for a minute or two but he couldn’t imagine that woman ever crying. 

He just couldn’t help it. His anxiety was a constant battle but it was always worse when he was a woman. Squall said it was because that part of him wasn’t as social as his male side, she hadn’t had the practice. 

It was said to make him feel better, and generally did but it wasn’t like he completely turned into someone else. He was always Cloud. He made a face at himself in the mirror. Probably why he was still emotional as a guy too. 

The following day while taking a break from his school work and eating lunch he went over the days events again. His grocery trip had been an utter failure, even if Squall was the sweetest and didn’t see it that way. Thinking about how many people in that little corner store that could have seen him standing there crying and hyperventilating made him cringe. 

At least he could still go there on his male days and not feel completely humiliated. It would take some time for that to pass. The notion of new friends was completely different though. Yesterday he’d been so pleased that they truly saw him as a woman, but what the fuck did he do now? Aerith had already texted him, wishing him well and hoping he was feeling better. She reminded him to come back one afternoon, but could he? Could he only go back on his female days? Would he only be known as a woman in her shop? 

The answer was obvious, it was up to him. He could tell Aerith the truth, but that could ruin a friendship real fast. He sighed, would she recognize him as a man? He never thought he looked all that different. His face was rather effeminate to start with, but maybe the hair made a difference? 

 

Griver (12:03 p.m.): How you doing babe?

 

Fenrir (12:07 p.m.): Fine. Feeling stupid about yesterday

 

Griever (12:07 p.m.): Don’t

 

Fenrir (12:09 p.m.): I knew i’d end up being a bother to you at some point but i should have lasted more than a couple of days

 

Griever (12:10 p.m.): I’m not bothered. I love you

 

Cloud sighed quietly and bit into his sandwich. Squall really didn’t know how patient and forgiving he was. Most people didn’t give out seconds chances like he did. Eventually Cloud would screw up and Squall would be at his limit. 

He had to keep up a good impression or he’d lose the one person that had always been there for him. 

 

Griever (12:17 p.m.): Cloud 

 

Griever (12:18 p.m.): You know i worry about this shit too? I’m greedy and possessive. I try not to be an asshole and i know better than anyone how hard you try. Don’t you see you don’t have to?

 

Cloud swallowed hard and felt the good kind of heart racing. It was so different from having an anxiety attack. 

 

Fenrir (12:19 p.m.): Can we talk about it tonight? 

 

Griever (12:21 p.m.): Yes. 

 

Were they going to have a serious talk? That was a bad suggestion. Fuck, this could be bad. Squall wanted him, he knew that much. He knew he wanted to stay here and would do anything to maintain his welcome. Why was his anxiety getting in the way? 

With his school work forgotten he went about tidying up the apartment, both his little messes and Squall’s. There wasn’t much to clean, only a few things here and there but it made him feel useful. He pulled out what he wanted for dinner, deciding to make something special only because he could. It was hours too early for dinner but he couldn’t help it. Tonight had to be perfect. To prove to Squall that he was serious. 

Serious about living here and about their relationship. He wanted to have a home, a real one. He’d left his own home because he’d had nothing left there. He admittedly didn’t have anything there to start with, not since his mother died. No, his home had been with Squall since their first letter in the second grade. 

Didn’t people believe in destiny? They really needed to let him have his. 

Cloud cooked and fretted, hating the way his thoughts got away from him. Even if they agreed today what would happen in a few months when they graduated? Would Squall go to college? Would he need to find a new place to live? Would he be able to live alone now after having a taste of living with the man he’d loved for more than half his life? 

Was that too dramatic? Clingy? Fuck. 

He’d probably need to get a job or find some way to make money. Maybe he could sell his music again. He hadn’t gotten to create anything new lately without his instruments but he’d written plenty. He’d have to look through his notebooks but some of it had to be alright. It didn’t matter as long as he made himself useful. 

Cloud started his breathing exercises the very second he heard the door click open. Squall was home, was it that late already? What now? It wasn’t like he and Squall never had serious talks before. They had been having them long before they were even old enough to understand the weight of them. 

There was nothing to freak out over. It wasn’t like Squall would kick him out, that wasn’t what this was about. He knew that, but nothing put him at ease. Wasn’t this all his idea? Avoiding the conversation didn’t work with the lion, he was relentless with these things. He’d think up a hundred and one ways to bring it up casually until Cloud would finally talk. 

“Just keep breathing like that,” Squall said gently, arms wrapping around Cloud’s torso from behind. 

“I’m sorry!” Cloud gasped, jumping out of sheer surprise. 

“Shh,” Squall murmured, holding on. “You’re fine, just a little shaky.” He pressed his cheek against Cloud’s hair. “Sorry i scared you.” 

Cloud shifted, spinning around in his hold and had his arms wrapped around Squall’s neck. “I know. I’m good. I’m good.” 

“I know you are.” 

“Just like hugs.” 

Squall breathed out a laugh, “I know you do.” He squeezed him closer. “It smells amazing in here. I don’t know why i’m still surprised you cook so well. Spoils me.” 

Cloud inhaled shakily and smiled. “Yeah, it’s early but..” 

“I’m hungry.” Squall agreed finally releasing him. Cloud watched him glance around the apartment slowly, no doubt noticing everything Cloud had spent the afternoon doing. He was oddly observant that way. 

“It’s pretty much ready but we can eat whenever,” Cloud muttered, pulling plates out of the cabinet anyway. 

“Cloud,” Squall said walking away from the kitchen and relaxing on the couch. “Come talk to me, please?” 

Cloud looked between Squall and the stove for a moment, trying to think of another way to put this off. “Now?” 

“Please?” 

“Okay,” Cloud muttered, swallowing the urge to cry because, no, he just fucking wasn’t going to. He stepped into the room and sat beside Squall, “I know i said we could talk when you got home but i don’t know if i want to.” 

Squall gave a single nod. “Will you tell me why your upset? What i did?” 

Cloud’s confusion took over for a second before clearing. “What?” 

“We talked about this before. If you’re unhappy or upset you need to tell me. If i did something you need to tell me so we can fix it before you start freaking out. Getting upset by yourself…” He paused. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to hide from me.” 

“It’s not…” Cloud sighed, what was the point? “I just want you to like me.” 

Squall reached out slowly and flicked Cloud on the forehead. “I do like you. Cloud, i’m borderline obsessed with you. You are my best friend and my boyfriend. I told you when you got here, we might get on each others nerves but that doesn’t mean i want to break up. Doesn’t mean i suddenly hate you.” 

“I know that,” Cloud muttered. “I know, but the anxiety says other things.” 

“Like what?”

Cloud shifted. “I don’t want to annoy you even if that happens sometimes. I don’t want you to get sick of me, you’re all i have.” He looked at the floor, unable to stop the words tumbling from his lips but that didn’t mean he had to look Squall in the eyes when he said them. “I want to be a real part of your life and not your problem boyfriend. I want a forever type thing but i don’t know if we’ll ever have that?” 

“Why not? I want it to be forever,” Squall reached for his hand to hold onto. “You’re not alone in any of these feelings. Well other then you being a problem boyfriend, you’re not.” 

“But… but what about later? You’ll go to college or whatever and that will change things. I have to make a living somehow but the thought of being in a different city from you actually hurts. I’ll need money no matter what, i don’t even know what your fucking rent is. I can’t contribute anything! I want to be your equal, Squall. I want to be dependable even when i’m a damn mess. I want to be able to go to the grocery store and not have an attack or make a friend and not worry about what my gender is that day.” Cloud breathed out raggedly. “I want to not ruin the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” 

“C’mere,” Squall said, tugging on his hand until Cloud shifted forward to lean against him. “Wolf, this is exactly why i asked you to share things with me. Let’s clear all this up. First, i don’t even know if i’ll go to college, i can’t expect you to have those answers when i have no fucking idea.” 

“Life changes.” 

“It does. Might mean i have to move to a different apartment. Do you think i wouldn’t bring you with me? If you get a job and are working somewhere do you think i wouldn’t keep that in mind and apply somewhere close? I want our lives to mesh.” 

“I’d.. come?” 

Squall tilted Cloud’s head back and kissed his nose. “I’ve been living alone since i was sixteen. You think i’d live in a dorm with a hundred other people? Yeah, no. I like to think i’m not stupidly spoiled but i am in that respect. I want my own space with my very own Cloud making himself right at home.” 

Cloud made a quiet noise and clung a little tighter. 

“As for rent, i’m sorry i didn’t know that bothered you. I should have given how carefully you’ve always had to watch every cent you own. Cloud, i don’t pay rent. My father bought this place for me to live. I wanted to be normal and he travels too much for staying at his place to have any appeal. It’s too fancy.” 

“He bought it? Like the whole thing?” 

Squall shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess it’s just several years of rent paid. Should i go somewhere else he’ll probably do the same thing again. I have an allowance that i horde and he trusts me to make sound decisions. You don’t need to pay rent when i don’t.” 

“That’s...okay?” 

“You are my equal Cloud,” Squall spoke quietly. “And you don’t even see it.” 

“All i see is me being a whiner who can’t handle going outside on certain days.” 

Squall shook his head, “Cloud, you seem to only see you falling apart on me. What about all the times you’ve taken care of me the last few years, the last few days especially. You’re the one that cooks. You’ve been cleaning like you’re my fucking maid, and stop that by the way. Your stay is not dependent on how much you clean. You’re the one that quiet’s my mind when i’m over thinking and reassures me that i’m not too cold of a human being. You’ve always been there for me and i don’t know how you can put up with me.” 

Cloud was shaking his head. “It’s different.” 

“It’s not.”

“But you, all you need is a little empathy.” Cloud said. “Just a little reassurance sometimes.” 

“How is that different from what you need?” Squall asked. “Cloud, you don’t see all you do for me as the caregiving it is. I’d be a mess without you. All i want is to love you and offer you the same. It’s not a burden. It’s never been a burden.” 

“It’s barely been a week.” 

Squall huffed. “Yeah, Cloud. It’s barely been a week. Your first week on the other side of the country. In a completely new place where you don’t know your way around or any people. Where you’re learning to live with me and find your footing. Doesn’t that seem just a little stressful to you?” 

Cloud went back to fidgeting. He hadn’t thought he’d been so affected by his move. 

“It’s new and it’s scary.” Squall continued. “And i firmly believe it’ll get better. Not over night, but with time. You’re still finding parts of yourself. Let me be apart of that.” 

“I’m sorry.” Cloud mumbled, holding his legs underneath him but kept his face pressed against Squall. “I just want to stay with you.” 

“Forever, Cloud.” Squall muttered, cupping his face and kissing him. They were getting better at it, and enjoying the practice along the way. “Five, ten, fifty years from now it’s still going to be you and me.” 

“I love you,” Cloud said. “You really think i’ll get this under control?” 

“Totally. I’d like to think living with me is a step up from Hojo and there’s a lot less stressers here. Once you get used to everything. That includes getting you a better place to sleep. This couch sucks. If i didn’t think i’d scare you off i’d just ask if you wanted to share my bed.” 

Cloud smiled faintly, feeling those butterflies returning. He leaned back enough to be able to look at his face. “That wouldn’t scare me.” 

Squall went red and the look was so worth it. “Oh.” 

“Sounds like my first test. We’ll see if i feel better after a good night's sleep.” Cloud said, reaching up to touch Squall’s red cheeks. “It’s okay?” 

“Yeah,” Squall cleared his throat. “Save me the effort from having to move you every morning.” 

Yeah,” Cloud said, inhaling and exhaling deeply one more time. His body felt from heavy and lethargic now that the panic was leaving. It was a sort of exhaustion he desperately hated, but he loved the way Squall’s arm snaked around him and held him close. 

Squall called it obsession like it was a bad thing but that was silly. It wasn’t like he was being locked in his bedroom. Squall had given him more freedom than anyone. Just by connecting to him and trying to understand him. Squall was the first and for whatever reason didn’t see it as the superpower it was. 

“Let’s go eat,” Squall offered. “It seriously smells amazing.” 

Cloud smiled and pulled away reluctantly. “Yeah, okay.” He’d get to cling tonight anyway.

**Author's Note:**

> Strifehart Friday


End file.
